The Baby is Coming! The baby is Coming!

Okay the baby is coming. But not until August but in the meantime I'm in total freak out mode. A note to all of you out there do not have a baby until your house is totally renovated.

We've been renovating our house for about 2 years. It's still not done. We had a few slow ups this year with some financial constraints and just finding time with a toddler. But things are calming down and the baby is coming in August and I am in absolute panic mode to get the house decorated, painted and as many projects done as possible.

Today is one of those days when I am in panic mode plus. I am so incredibly anxious it taking all of my power not to walk out of my office, get a paint brush and go home to paint some baseboards.

I try comforting myself with when I was pregnant w/ A. we had no floors and walls in the house for awhile. Also as I was having contractions we were moving into the house as the contractors were finishing the floors. And tow days later out popped the little peanut when most of our belonging were still in boxes.

This time around, I just need to paint some baseboards, the kitchen, and decorate. The fun part. I need to buy curtains and paintings and make it homey. Much easier than the first time. Yet as my due date gets closer the nesting instincts set in and I'm where I am this morning. In total freak out mode about essentially everything.

It's going to get done. We're going to have a pretty livable house come August. Just Breathe. At least this time around we have walls....

Jesus Class

For the last 10 weeks J. and I have been attending a class through our church entitled "Life, Community, and Faith." I originally thought the class was about the foundation of our church and about the rhetoric of it. It wasn't. It turned out to be deeper than that.

Every week for the last 10 weeks and 2 retreats 23 strangers have met in a room and have built a community. We explored tough issues like sin, not biblical sin being untrue to yourself and ways in which you have disappointed yourself or others by not taking action for yourself. By blaming others. We built a Torah for our class and for ourselves.

Every week strangers sat in a room and shared the most intimate vulnerable details of their life. At first I was very resistant of this. I'm not a touch feely kind of girl. I don't like to show my weaknesses my moments of vulnerability. I'm the tough girl everyone can depend on. Everyone leans on me and I rarely lean on others. I think I can do it all myself. But the reality is I can't.

I don't warm up to people quickly and Jesus class was no different. I was guarded. But as these strangers started opening up and sharing their vulnerability something in me snapped and I realized it would be okay. So I did. I shared. I cried. And I let myself for a moment lean on others. I realized where I wan to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I realized every week I had a safe place. We all had a safe place.

Well, last night was the last night of Jesus Class, and it was so bittersweet. But as we said our farewells we knew that it wasn't' really good bye. It was more like a hello, as we know that as 23 strangers we have made strong connection that ties us all together.

I learned that it's okay to be weak sometimes, for that's when we we become stronger.

Guilty Mom Syndrome

This morning I suffer from Guilty Mom Syndrome. It all started last Friday when I took the day off to chaperon A.'s school trip to the zoo. When we woke up it rained so no zoo for us. When I dropped her off at daycare this morning, there was a sign on her classroom door, Zoo Trip this Friday, May 4. My immediate thought was great I need to take another day off of work. Not Yhea! another extra day with A. (I've already had to take 4 vacation days this month for school activities.)

After dropping her off with her friends I marched my pregnant hormonal butt into the directors office to explain my disdain for having to take yet another day off for the zoo trip. I told her so far this month I have taken 4 days off of work for school activities. I told her that my work was flexible but still I earn vacation on accrual and I'm going in the hole and that I would like to use my vacation days for exactly that to go on vacation. I said it's not an issue of me not wanting to spend time with A., I love it, but four days in one month to take off is a bit much. I also pointed out that many parents schedules are not as flexible as mine. Her response was that she can't control the weather and that if I didn't want to take off on Friday, A. could stay at school while the the other kids go to the zoo. I said no that is not a good solution because that is really unfair to A. to sit at school while the other kids go to the zoo. And this solution did nothing to my guilt but escalate it. Due to my raging hormones, I was crying. And feeling really guilty now. I than suggested next time they say we are going to the zoo this day but a rain date is set for this date.

And now I feel guilty. I feel terrible for feeling put out for getting an extra day with A. I love A. more than anything and often wrestle with the guilt of having to work full time and send her to daycare. I would love nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and spend my days enjoying her childhood and getting lost in the beauty and curiosity that is A. But the reality is, both my husband and I have to work as do many families to provide A. with the things she needs.

And so I cry some more as I deal with the guilt of having to be a full time at work mom. It really is unfair.

Octopus Girl

Today has been one of the days at work where my to do pile keeps growing to about the size of Mt. Kilimanjaro. But the mountain next to me seems to be non-existent as people keep coming in giving me more work, but with that lovely I need it now attitude. My favorite is the I know you're swamped but..............

But what? I guess i should do this now so you can get on me later for the other million other things i didn't do because of you're right now.....

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a Princess or an Astronaut. I'm neither of those things by the way. Today I would like to be an octopus, so I could have eight arms to get everything done with, or I could squirt out ink, blind my enemy and run away from Mt. Kilimanjaro to a far away tropical paradise.

Today I choose the latter. Watch out for my ink.

My Naked Finger

My left ring finger is embarrassed. It has lost it's clothes and is naked.

My wedding band is missing. It's been missing for awhile and I 'm sad. I feel naked without it. My ring finger feels lighter. I want it back. I've been tearing my house apart looking for it, and I look in places I think it might be, and it's not there.

I want people to know I'm married. I'm proud of my husband. I want people to know A.'s parents are happily married.

I wonder where it rolled off too. My finger is tired of being naked. And I am too.

I'm Alive

I am alive. My blog however is apparently not. It is Easter Season, maybe a good time to resurrect it. I 'm sure who ever is reading this does not care to hear about what a slacker I am because being my last post was in December, it's quite apparent. I am a slacker.

Well, I guess updates is what I should give. All is well. A. is 2 now and is just the most amazing little person I've ever met. Her new word is Radiant. We were at the park yesterday and she told her little friend that she had Radiant hair. On top of being one of the smartest kids I know and cutest we have reached 2 which means the most amazing temper tantrums. That kid can scream. This morning as she screamed at me because, can you believe I wanted her to eat her eggs- I was like to I need to enroll her in an anger management class. Instead my husband and I exchange pleading glances across the breakfast table and wonder when Linda Blair took over our cherub's body. But alas, smiling A. returns for a while....

Husband is doing well. As I've mentioned 2006 was pretty much a year of misery, 2007 started out a little shaky, but things are looking up. After a year of job searching darling husband as found a new job with a nice salary. My only hope is that it's what he wants to do and the he finds peace and solace and will grow. Our relationship the past year has defiantly been challenged to no ends but we are finally on the right track realizing that we do indeed love each other. We've changed a lot and we're dating again and learning who these new people are. And it's nice to know that we still have a lot in common and these new people are still deeply in love.

On other fronts, because life is full of surprises we are expecting a new little cherub in August. A.'s world is about to change. It's no longer going to revolve around her and I think that's going to be an earthquake. J. and I are very excited. So far all is going well, but the fear is still there. As any parent we want a healthy child, and hope all stays course.

Well, I've wasted enough time. Hopefully I'll stop being a slacker...

I told you so.....

So like I said I am a known procrastinator. I haven't been writing in this blog not because I have nothing to say, I always have things to say.

I haven't been writing because I'm just lazy. It's true.

I have like a million things to say. I just don't say them.

And sometimes as I write on my blog I'm like oh I have nothing insprational to write today. Not that I'm ever inspirational.

So I suppose I should start writing again.

I guess to prove something...