I told you so.....

So like I said I am a known procrastinator. I haven't been writing in this blog not because I have nothing to say, I always have things to say.

I haven't been writing because I'm just lazy. It's true.

I have like a million things to say. I just don't say them.

And sometimes as I write on my blog I'm like oh I have nothing insprational to write today. Not that I'm ever inspirational.

So I suppose I should start writing again.

I guess to prove something...

Fairy Godmothers

I spent the night before Halloween on a much needed girls night. I needed to douse my feelings of overwhelm and stress with some good laughs and margaritas. And so did the rest of us.

As I sat at the table staring around at my amazing girlfriends I realized how lucky I am. And how lucky my daughter is to be surrounded by such positive female power. My friends come from all backgrounds. We are scientists, lobbyists, students, accountants and some still finding direction. Some of us are in relationships, some are still in the dating game. But once a month we all come together for margaritas and laughs. We cry together. We laugh together. We stand together.

Most of us have had a pretty rough year. We've lost jobs, friends, boyfriends, self esteem, our minds at times. But at any moment of one of us has been there for each other. With no judgement. Just hope.

And as I sat at the table surrounded by the beauty of my friends. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. And I felt blessed that my daughter gets to be surrounded by such power and beauty. Ally is only 20 months old, but in some way these women have already influenced her.

I always dreamed a of a fairy godmother when I was little. I looked around that table and realized that A. has more fairy godmothers than she could have ever dreamed...

The Great Balancing Act

Sometimes I feel like I have it all together. I have a great job I love, my beautiful daughter, a supportive husband, a house under renovation, but none the less a great house. And than days like yesterday happen, and I feel like I'm teetering on a see- saw.

On Thursday night, after a fun day at the pumpkin patch, A. had some red dots and a fever. We got a notice from school last week that someone had chicken pox. Well, that meant the next day she needed to stay home. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem but as it turned out J. and I both had meetings at 2:30.

Friday morning arrived and no more dots were present which meant it probably wasn't chicken pox, but she still wasn't feeling well. My meeting was a web cast so it the logical decision was I took A. to work with me in the morning, and would be home in time for my web cast. Did the test web cast, all worked great.

A. and I had fun in my office, we came home, she napped. And of course she woke up right before my web cast meeting. And of course the web cast wasn't working on my browser. So after a frantic call to a colleague who would sit in for me at work, all was solved right?

No the guilt of balancing it all still haunts me. I know that I'm a good mother. A. is very happy and content. We are always doing fun things. But for a few moments yesterday felt burdened by motherhood. Like can I really do this: balance a career and a family? I know it's not impossible. But the biggest thing that gets me is the guilt. Why am I so frantic about missing work? It is just work. It doesn't define me. And so the guilt trucks on. And I do know I'm not alone.

Luckily, I have an amazing support system who helps me in balancing. My boss is fantastic. She understands how hard it is balancing work and family. I have the most amazing friends. And of course my husband who shares the responsibility of parenthood with me. He is often on the see-saw with me.

But than there's days like yesterday where it's all so overwhelming. And I fall of the see-saw for a moment. But it's that support system and the job of mother that catches me and keeps me going.

My Dwight

We all have those annoying co-workers. They portray them well in the movies or on TV. Office Space with Milton and his red stapler. Or on the show The Office Dwight who thinks he's more important than anyone and who is just plain annoying.

Milton I could deal with. Sure he loves his red stapler a little too much, but well he's been wronged. But Dwight. I can't deal with. I know because I work with a Dwight...

The minute I see her waltz into my office I scream inside. So loud do I scream. Mostly because she just rambles inappropriate stories. or just lets me know how wrong I am about everything.

Inapporiate office decorum of my Dwight would include the following:

• Discussing Pink Tacos
• Di sussing the ramifications of Clitoral Piercings
• Detailed description of tampon disposal in developing countries
• Showing us scars on body parts.
• Asking me if I'd had any hot dates with the guy who sexually harassed me
• Volunteering for a project and than not doing what was asked.
• Criticism of basically everything.
• Redesigning a website to put their project on top thus making the website look like crap.
• Sitting in on meetings one is not invited to.
• Barging in on meetings and giving unwarranted comments.
• Coming into my office, seeing my pile of work and commenting on how she has nothing to do.
• Having a fit that her birthday was forgotten due to a big project, and when one tries to fix that complains about the party for her that was given.
• And not doing any work....

The list really could go on. And I may add to it weekly. But that would be my Dwight. Oh the joy. She does make coming to work interesting. Oh and interesting it is....

I wonder if instead of baking her things in jello if I could bake her in jello........

Love at First Sight

I love my husband. I've loved him from the first moment I saw him. We've been together for 10 years and we've definitely had our trials and tribulations. This year has defintely had it's share. And sometimes it would be easier to call it quits than sort out the issues. But that's not what it's about. It's about us loving and learning.

I love my parents. And my family. And my friends.

But I can honestly say that I didn't know what real love was and what it could be until my daughter came along. I remember the first time I fell in love with her. It was during our first doctor's appointment when we had our first sonogram. And there was this tiny being, inside of me waving her hand on the screen. And for the rest of the 9 months my husband and I worried about her being. And looking back that was the easy part, I knew exactly where she was.

And than she was born. And I never knew love could be like this. Getting used to her getting to know her was rough. I had days where being a mom was intense, and I still do. But I'm so in love with her. She's 19 months now and her personality is coming out. She's a funny kid. She loves to laugh and make us laugh. When she was an infant I'd wake up often to check if she was still breathing, and the fear of of it all was so overwhelming. I still wake up and check on her in the middle of the night. The same fear taking over my body.

Our old life is far behind us. Life is complicated now. But in a good way. We have pure love. And though life as a mom who has a career and a family and house to take care, can get crazy and frustrated. But when I feel her little hand in mine when we walk, or in the morning how she sits in my lap while I fix my hair and put on my make up, when I pick her up from daycare and she runs into my arms, or at night when we rock in the rocking chair and read stories, I feel so much love and makes the craziness worth it.

Ramblings.......

I really am a slacker! It's not that I've been procrastinating. It's just that I guess I haven' had anything real profound to say... I often think that my writings should change the world and I put too much pressure on myself to write something profound, than I get frustrated and don't write anything at all.... Nice. I guess one more thing I need to get over.....

The last few weeks have been busy. Work has been entertaining. We have this one person on our team who has a lot of issues and absolutely no social boundaries. She has been turning the nicest of people into evil beings. She's mean to me pretty much on a daily basis. I've tried to be nice and well, last week when she told me that I was a Venus Fly Trap because she didn't know what I was, my trying to be nice has been lost. My other co-worker and I have decided that I am every pretty girl who has ever been mean to her. Well, guess what, she has just made one more pretty girl be mean to her. I'm sure I'll have more stories... Of course I do now so maybe that will be a post this week sometime..

The leaves are starting to turn and it's starting to get cooler which means Fall is here! Fall is my absolute favorite season. My darling husband, the little cherub and myself went to the mountains yesterday for Family Farm Days. What a fabulous fall day! The leaves were beautiful! Bright yellows, reds, and oranges. The weather was that crisp cool that makes you excited to pull out your favorite sweater and feel so cozy in it's warmth. We had a full day of pumpkin picking, apple picking, hay riding, apple butter tasting, apple cider drinking, farm animal petting! It was a full. I love showing A. all the things I love about fall! The best is coming up Halloween!

Let's see what other things can I ramble about to catch you all up on it all.

Oh we had book club last week. The book discussion was Into the Wild by John Krauker. It's a true story based on a kid who graduates college and just takes off and is found 2 years later dead in Alaska. He just abandons his parents who love him. Along the way he meets people, they fall in love with them and he abandons them too. He makes no human bonds. He takes and takes and gives nothing. He goes to Alaska to try and live off the land and get away from human society yet he lives in an abandoned bus. In my opinion if you despise society why do you live in modern structure? Anyway it was a great discussion and it is an interesting read.

Well, I'm off for now. I've rambled plenty and in my ramblings have a few ideas for other posts this week!

Crash! Boom!

The thunder storm woke me up. It was really fabolous though. Bright flashes of lightning followed by large booms of thunder. It was fast moving storm but a loud one.

Our old dog is terrified of thunder and he jumped into bed with us and shook. My husband and I tried calming him, but he's been terrified of thunder storms since he was a puppy. He's 11 now and the booms of the thunder still terrify him.

It's funny to me a thunderstorm is somewhat comforting. The flashes and booms make me feel safe. Maybe it was the down comforter keeping me warm, or the familarity of my husbands body sleeping next to mine that comforted me. Though the crashes of thunder made my body tense, they made me happy and smile.

I'm not a religious person, though I do believe in God and the larger powers that be. I guess for me a good thunder storm is a reminder that something larger is out there. It's God's little way of saying hello and letting me know that I'm not alone.

Exploring A's World.

We spent this past long weekend with our 19 month old daughter exploring the world through her eyes. On Saturday we looked at Dinasaur bones at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. She was amazed. Her eyes wide in wonderment as she spurted WOW. We are also learning animal sounds, so if you weren't aware- apparently the Tyranouas Rex said Moo and the Brontosauraus went Meow.

On Sunday we went to the National Colonial Farm. We explored our skills at animal sounds a little more. Cows though still say moo and sheep baa.

My husband and I had the day off yesterday for Columbus day. We took our little cherub to the National Aquarium in Baltimore where we explored the world of fish. A was so amused by the colorful fish. She was more amused however to run down the ramps in the shark exhbit and scream. We also liked running around in the shaded bocci ball court in little Italy eating Gelatto.

Everyday is a new adventure with A. It's amazing watching her exploring her world and seeing how things work. How a stick to me, is a new amazing toy to her. How dinasaurs can be farm animals. How amazing it is to stop and smell flowers.

A was a surprise to my husband and I. For 8 years it had been just us, going where we wanted when we wanted. And now we couldn't imagine life without her. We get to be kids again. And sometimes I wonder who is teaching who.....

I'll do it tomorrow....

When I was a kid we had the Sweet Pickles books. My favorite book in the series was Goof Off Goose. Goof Off Goose's motto was I 'll do it tomorrow.... She would forego the task at hand and go sleep in her hammock.

Oh the irony of foreshadowing... I am a known procastinator. Let's see, I've been applying for graduate school for 3 years now, starting to run again for the last 6 months, starting my career of writing children stories for about 2 years, and have been doing laundry for the last 3 days. And this blog has been a project for the last 6 months.

I freak out for a moment, and reapeat the mantra- I'll do it tomorrow.

I don't go and lie in a hammock. There's no time for that. Instead I get distracted. I play with my 19 month old daughter. I go for walks with my husband. We go out with friends. And these in my opinion are very important things to do. Far more important than the items on my to do list.

But alas, after the fun is had I freak out about what should have been done. What I need to do. And the phrase I'll do it tomorrow enters my vocabulary again.

Goof Off Goose in the end learned her lesson. Disasters happend and she learned that there was no hammock until she finished her chores and learned some good time managment.

I read Goof Off Goose to my own daughter now, and hope that Goose's lesson will rub off on me. I would really like to those tasks done and lay in a hammock myself. I wonder if Goose had a good therapist?

Ex-Boyfriends and Baristas

Funny how Ex-boyfriends and Baristas have a funny way of ruining your day....

 

Stephen. The first true love of my life. The guy I thought I was going to marry. The guy who tore my heart out and stomped on it. Every woman has that guy.

 

Barista that man with the smile who 3 days a week makes me my Large Coffee of the day with Skim Milk. You change the barista you change the coffee.

 

I'm over my exboyfriend I really am.  We split up about 12 years ago. It was an angry break up. The kind you see in the movies. Girl loves Boy. Boy loves Girl. Boy and Girl. Girl and Boy. Girl goes to visit boy and finds boy in the arms of another Girl.  Other girl is not nearly as pretty or fun as First Girl. First Girl is angry bitter- she runs and never looks back. Boy marries Other Girl. First Girl marries a new fabolous Guy.  All is good right?

 

First Girl has dream about ex-boy. She and her Fabu Guy are out to dinner with ex-boy, Other Girl and some other pople. Other Girl Tells First Girl that she forgives her for saying mean things about her for blaming Other Girl for the break up. First Girl is so confused. She goes for a walk with ex-boy who tells her he misses her. ANd than she wakes up. Confused and Angry for ex-boy turning up again....

 

So this is why our herione needs coffee. She asks the barista for a Large Coffe. Because as well we all know, she despartely needs one....  Barista gives her a small. Girl says I orderd a Large. Barista berates her and gives her an attitude problem. Barista is now sorry he messed with Girl. Girl lets him have it. She finally gets what she wants. Girl is happy. Barista is confused.

 

Just like the Girl is confused as to why a dream about Ex-Boy would make her cranky and where is her true Barista?

 

Wow.

I really find myself ironic sometimes.

 

I started this blog entitled Letters I Never Sent with the full aim of actually posting letters I wrote but never sent on here. I'm famous for that, I write thank you notes, letters to long lost friends, birthday cards- than i set them aside and never mail them. Call it procrasitnation, call it laziness. 

 

So ironically enough, I'm guessing this has became the blog I never wrote.... I should probably get on that....

 

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"Do you ever listen to me? she said & I said I did but sometimes it took a couple of days to sort it out in a way that didn't make me want to murder her in her sleep."